Improving Body Image: It’s Not About Loving Your Body, It’s About Changing the Relationship.
By Jennifer Raju, Psy.D (PSY 35334)
When people talk about “body image,” it’s often framed as something simple: Do you like what you see in the mirror or not?
But body image is far more complex and far more human than that.
Body image isn’t something you “fix.” It’s a relationship, one that has been shaped over time by culture, relationships, experiences, and systems far bigger than you.
Body Image Is Not Your Physical Body
Body image is not your weight, shape, size, or appearance.
Body image is:
How you see yourself when you look in the mirror or picture yourself in your mind
What you believe about your appearance, including memories, comments from others, assumptions, and generalizations
How you feel in your body as you move through the world (light, heavy, energetic, graceful, awkward, fluid)
How you feel about your body (comfortable, embarrassed, proud, self-conscious, or disconnected)
How you think and talk to yourself about your body (for example: “My hips are disgusting” or “I shouldn’t look like this”)
As psychologist Judy Lightstone described it in her book Improving Body Image (1991):
“Body image involves our perception, imagination, emotions, and physical sensations of and about our bodies. It is not static - but ever changing; sensitive to changes in mood, environment, and physical experience. It is not based on fact. It is psychological in nature, and much more influenced by self-esteem than by actual physical attractiveness as judged by others. It is not inborn, but learned.”
In other words, body image isn’t a trait you either have or don’t have, it’s a dynamic experience that shifts across contexts and time.
Why Does Body Image Matter?
Body image isn’t just about how we feel, it directly affects how we function in the world.
Poor body image can:
Lower self-esteem. Research suggests that 25–33% of self-esteem is tied to body image and for some people, this number is even higher.
Shape identity. Body image is deeply connected to gender identity and how well our bodies reflect our internal sense of self.
Increase interpersonal anxiety. Worrying about appearance can make social situations feel unsafe or exhausting.
Contributing to depression, eating disorders and other mental health concerns. Mental health disorders and poor body image are often intertwined, each reinforcing the other.
There is also a significant cognitive and performance cost to body image distress.
Studies show that when girls and women are in a state of self-objectification (constantly fixating on their appearance), they perform worse on math and reading comprehension tests. They throw softballs shorter distances. They lift less heavy weight. Their physical strength and cognitive capacity decrease simply because part of their attention is diverted inward toward monitoring how they look.
Even when that self-consciousness takes up only a small portion of mental space, it matters.
If even a fraction of your mental energy is consistently dedicated to evaluating your body, adjusting your posture, or worrying about how you’re being perceived, you are operating at a disadvantage. Body image distress doesn’t just hurt feelings, it steals focus, presence, and potential.
What Creates Your Body Image?
Body image is not something that suddenly appears in adolescence or adulthood, it begins forming from birth.
It develops through the ways our bodies are treated, spoken about, and responded to by the people around us. Over time, multiple layers of influence shape how we come to see ourselves.
Research shows that body image is shaped by multiple interacting influences over time, including:
1. Cultural Socialization and Influences
Messages about beauty, health, worth, gender, race, and ability are everywhere. Diet culture, weight stigma, white supremacy, and rigid body ideals teach us, often implicitly, which bodies are “acceptable” and which are not.
2. Interpersonal Experiences
Family, peers, romantic partners, coaches, teachers, and medical providers all play a role. Comments about bodies (even “well-intentioned” ones), teasing, praise, criticism, or comparison can leave lasting imprints.
3. Physical Characteristics, Sensations, and Changes
Puberty, illness, injury, disability, aging, pregnancy, hormonal shifts, and changes in ability all influence how it feels to live in a body and how that body is perceived by others.
4. Personality Traits (Of Risk and Resilience)
Perfectionism, sensitivity to evaluation, rigidity, and anxiety can increase vulnerability, while flexibility, self-compassion, and values-based living can buffer against harm.
All of these threads come together to form what we might call our body image story or how we evaluate our bodies and how much we invest our worth, energy, and attention in appearance.
Importantly, body image is not just personal, it is social and political. It is rooted in systems of oppression and stigma, and it intersects with identity, culture, and power. For many people, body image is also about how well their body affirms their internal sense of self (for example, gender).
Rethinking “Acceptance”: Different Paths Forward
Improving body image doesn’t require forcing yourself to feel positive about your body. In fact, that pressure often backfires. Instead, many people find relief through alternative frameworks of acceptance.
Body Neutrality
“I do not love or hate my body.”
Body neutrality focuses on:
Valuing the body for its function and experience, not its appearance
Viewing the body through a neutral, non-judgmental lens
Recognizing that liking your body is not required to love yourself
Acknowledging that body love isn’t always realistic or attainable
Body Liberation
“I am more than my body.”
Body liberation goes a step further by:
Promoting inclusivity, body autonomy, fat acceptance, and size diversity
Actively challenging systems of oppression such as weight stigma and size discrimination
Creating space for all bodies to exist without earning worth
Separating a person’s value from their appearance entirely
A Values-Based Relationship With Your Body
The goal isn’t to eliminate body image discomfort or force body love. The goal is to live a meaningful life without requiring your body to earn your worth.
Sonya Renee Taylor captures this powerfully in her book The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love.
“When our personal value is dependent on the lesser value of other bodies, radical self-love is unachievable.”
If worth is conditional, based on comparison, hierarchy, or proximity to an ideal, then peace with our bodies will always feel fragile.
It is time to invite a different question. Instead of asking:
“How do I feel about my body today?”
We can ask:
What kind of relationship do I want with my body and with food?
Where is that relationship now, and where would I like it to be?
How do I want to treat this body, even when my mind is critical or uncomfortable?
A values-based relationship with your body means choosing actions that support your life, your health, and your humanity, even when negative body image thoughts show up. It means letting appearance take up less space so that what truly matters can take up more.
You don’t need to love your body to live fully in it.
You don’t need body confidence to pursue meaning and fulfillment.
And your worth was never dependent on how your body compares.
If you believe that your child may be experiencing shame and embarrassment related to their appearance, or if you have questions about when to seek treatment for body dysmorphic disorder in a child or teen, schedule a consultation call with us today.
About the author:
Jennifer Raju, PsyD (PSY 35334), is a licensed psychologist with Practice San Francisco. Her clinical background includes extensive work with complex and developmental trauma, depression, anxiety, addiction recovery, and identity-related concerns. She also has extensive experience treating eating disorders and body image challenges, with a trauma-informed understanding that these difficulties are often tied to deeper emotional experiences, past stress or trauma, and self-worth.
